Where it all began, Part 4

Let me start off by saying this:  in terms of the academic route and my particular field, my postdoc position was the dream job (I am trying to look objectively here).  It paid slightly better than comparable positions in North America, I was living in a beautiful city that was not excessively large, some of the most notable names in my field were working there, and my contract was for an initial period of two years with no teaching required.  I figured I could finish up in about a year and half, move back, and finally reach the entrance of the career I was trained for.  These advantages are all still true, and I couldn't have asked for a better path, but semi-random circumstances in life still have a way of conflicting with our ultimate goals.

My postdoc started great.  My colleagues were incredibly informed and knowledgeable, and always approachable with new ideas.  Unfortunately, mostly due to rushing out of my Ph.D. program and partly due to the slow academic publishing process, I still had a bunch of papers to finish from old work.  Not only did this bring a constant rehashing in my mind of previous events, I now had to work on two separate projects that did not mingle well.  About a year after my Ph.D., I finished up the last of these papers (via submission, and of course, this is not really finishing but introducing more work down the road).  It was truly freeing to have cut ties with any of the old stuff.  I could now work solely on my new project, and try to 'double my output' that was necessary to be competitive in finding a tenure-track position, as I alluded to in a previous post.

The initial year past.  I was nowhere near producing anything tangible, and I needed to start thinking about applying to jobs so that I could have a position when my postdoc was done.  My CV wasn't terrible, but it was not in the shape that my Ph.D. supervisor advised me it should be for getting a faculty job.  I also compared myself to others in my position - people I had graduated with, and those present at my current postdoc job.  Although I didn't have concrete information (I did have a look at some of their CVs), I felt I was not competitive even with my own peers, so how could I compete at an international level?  I didn't have a good feeling of the current job market as I hadn't even looked for postings, so I still didn't know how many jobs were around and the typical qualifications.  Doubling my output during two years was obviously not an attainable goal, so I figured I should just take some more time.  Once again, I had made a completely uninformed decision, although I did not make it lightly.  First, if I didn't start looking early for a job, my contract would expire and I would be stuck looking for another quick postdoc somewhere else.  Second, why did I expect in another year that things would improve drastically (in terms of my CV)?  I suppose I thought I just needed more time to adjust and realize some results of my project, which was true.

Another year passed, and technical difficulties, a euphemism for an incredibly slow research process, prevented me from writing anything more than conference abstracts.  Luckily, I was able to extend my current postdoc contract for a year, so the pressure was off for a bit.  I was entering the third year of my postdoc, and I finally started to appropriately visualize my situation.  Many thoughts began to swirl around in my head, and I experienced periods of time when I was so excited about my project I knew I was meant to be a researcher, followed by an equally long duration categorized by feelings of doubt and isolation.

There was no future.

Answers to my persisting questions depended on my mind's current placement either on a 'hill' (optimistic, my work is great) or in a 'valley' (this sucks, I am going nowhere).  Some of the things I thought about were (with corresponding answers from my mind viewing the situation 'from the outside', from which you can figure out my mood at the time):

Q:  Why are there so many postdocs with incredible CVs and more experience/seniority still working in a postdoc position here?
1.  Because this is a world-renowned institution, and who wouldn't want to work here?  Plus, that must mean you are pretty great to be working here, and of course an opportunity will open up soon based on your pedigree.
2.  Because there is nowhere else for them to go - they grabbed the first thing open to them because they were applying for all kinds of positions, or they know they can't get anything else.  Don't think for a second that you didn't luck out getting this job.  For some reason, you slipped through the cracks and they were scrambling to fill a position.  You shouldn't be here.  These people are smart.

Q:  Why have none of the postdocs in my graduating cohort found a tenure-track position?
1.  There is absolutely nothing available.  They are far more trained than you are with more papers and books, and they still can't find anything.
2.  The postdoc process can take some time.  They are in the same boat as you - waiting for a few more papers and enjoying their current situation - you are in good company.

Q:  Why do I think a little more time in a postdoc (i.e. more papers, grant writing) will help me find a job?
1.  Because that is just the way it is - you need X number of papers to get a job, so you just need to stick it out until you get there.
2.  Because you are a moron.  You really think you can begin to compete, from a behind position, with all of the highly trained postdocs out there?  You would have to massively improve your CV, which is not possible, and make sure that you get some funding so it looks like someone wants you.  By the way, what is the current acceptance rate for grant applications?
3.  You are doing OK, and hopefully someone will need your specific discipline for a specific job.  Still it is good to get more papers in that area to be completely prepared.

Q:  Why are even senior scientists struggling with funding?  It seems as though that is all they talk about.
1.  That is all they talk about.  They are barely scraping by and their CVs are huge.  They can barely get grants.  You will never get a grant.  And by the way, you are a moron.
2.  They are partly administrators and need to make sure they look good in front of the directorship by providing more projects and contributions.  You just need a little experience, and just remember that a lot of the proposals get rejected - that is just how it goes.

In most cases, all of the answers have a piece of truth to them, but the state of 'reality-check' was starting to sink in.  I was no longer enamored with the academic process of grant writing and trying to get a tenure-track job.  This was in major opposition to my previous romantic thoughts of the senior scientist on the brink of discovery.  Of course, I already knew this was not the case, but the unrealistic dream had, up until this point, permeated my subconscious mind.  I evolved.  I began to develop a  political mindset - this is how things are, and you need to be able to manipulate situations in your favor.  Journal articles and grant writing are necessary evils which will accomplish the end goal.

But wait, what is the end goal?